| "I once thought I could save the world... now look at it"
— Spoilers for Deus Ex: Mankind Divided follow!
The rogue radio host Lazarus broadcasts his radio segments throughout the world during Deus Ex: Mankind Divided. The content of his show mostly centers around conspiracy theories, particularly ones related to current events. Lazarus' opinions on these events are often at odds with what mainstream media such as Picus TV have to say about them.
Below are the transcripts of his segments, organized by location. The titles give an indication of the subject matter of each segment.
A Criminal PastEdit
The minor-augged are guilty tooEdit
Oh, yeah! You know, before that little musical interlude there, I was talking about some serious shit! So let's keep going.
A streamer brought up an interesting question, and since I haven't bothered to come up with anything else to talk about today, we might as well address it. "Dear Lazarus, long time listener, first time asker" -- Jesus, what is this now, the fucking Larry Loser King segment? Steve, you're supposed to edit these questions; I'm trying to run a tight ship here! Anyway, Ponyboy 754 asks: "At what percentage of augmentation does an augmented person cease be considered human?" Well, that's a good question, and I don't know if anyone's ever bothered to think about it. I do know there are some people with minimal or non-visible augmentations who, after the aug massacre last year are trying to distance themselves from the guilt that the so-called minor-augged claim that most of the death and utter fucking destruction was caused by someone with a high AMI -- that's Augment Mass Index for those who can't figure out an abbreviation on their own -- and that they, with their pacemakers and shin splints and laser carved eyes are innocent, which is bullshit! Because we know the reason they went cuckoo for murder puffs was Hugh Darrow's pity-party signal from TYM's new mind control chip! And anyone with that inside them -- and from what I know that's anyone with any augmentation at all! -- are responsible for the terrible tragedy of twenty-twenty-seven, and don't for a second let them get away with sidestepping the guilt of that day. They know what they did! They aaaall know!
The truth about PicusEdit
Oh, yeah! You know, before that little musical interlude there, I was talking about some serious shit! So let's keep going!
You better hope the lap bar is snug against your crotch, followers. Because we're ratcheting up the rise of the uncanny valley roller coaster, and boy oh boy, is the next drop steep! ...I like a little escape from the crushing reality of the world, but you know what I don't like is seeing a piece of fiction presented as news. Picus has gone so deep down the manufactured-reality rabbit hole, they don't even bother resembling the truth. Every story they report is computer-generated content. Not just a little; I'm saying the whole damn thing! Technology allows them to cut out the middle man! They don't have to bother framing the story to make it fit their ideals; they can just make the whole thing up! Send the story to the studio, and get their reel of actual footage a few hours later. They fooled us! Eliza's little skirt makes my nether regions growl, but it also hides the fact that she knows that everything she says, and all the footage she shows, is a constructed reality, with the sole purpose of controlling you! God damn it, I feel like I'm repeating myself over and over, but Picus still gets record-breaking views every day. Jesus, Steve, why can't we reach that many households? Oh, yeah, because we're not an evil multinational corporation, or the main weapon the Illuminati uses to take control of the world! Sorry, I forgot myself for a second there.
Oh, yeah! You know, before that little musical interlude there, I was talking about some serious shit! So let's keep going!
When you do what I do, it's hard to know who to trust. You spend years testing the ones you can rely on, and when you find them, you gotta hold on tight, am I right? Can someone please tell that to Steve? The scone-stealing son of a bitch had to go and fall in love. But Lazarus, I hear you say, how can falling in love be a bad thing? Well, turns out, post-coital Steve has a big fucking mouth! And he invited his new lady friend to Grandma's fucking Tearoom 2.0! Maybe she said she'd help clean the wrappers on his desk, bring in a plant, who knows? Whatever this duplicitous Delilah whispered in his ear worked, because he gave her everything! How we record, how we broadcast, how I like my scones! Next thing you know, there's a squad of jackboots filing in, guns cocked and held high, looking for yours truly, so they could silence me for their order-lords. Good thing I was in the back room having an, uhm, going through the archives when they stormed in; otherwise, I'd be nothing but a stain on the floor. I got out by the skin of my teeth. It'll take more than a couple of constitution-crushing thugs to nab me! And one thing I can tell you is that we must have hit the truth!
... And Steve? He's still here, broken-hearted... but maybe, just fucking maybe, a little wiser. Aren't you, Steve?
Prague (first visit)Edit
First of all, let me get this out of the way when talking about the Aug Incident. I've always hated that title. "Incident", INCIDENT? Steve using the head after eating three burritos and forgetting to light a match, THAT'S an incident. What happened that fateful day in 2027 was beyond terror any of us has ever seen. Aug Incident? Try Aug Travesty, try Aug Massacre. How about Aug Armageddon! Cause that's where we're headed thanks to the horror that the Illuminati and their Humanity Front puppets unleashed on the earth that day. I'm taking the time in this broadcast to remember, not so we can get together and cry about lives lost. I lost people too and they should never be forgotten. No, I'm doing it because the Aug Incimassageddon is only the first of many horror shows we're about to be subjected to. Unless we figure this shit out FAST. Remember the Cold War and how we sat on the brink of destruction minute by minute? How we hated the Commies and the Commies hated us? How they had a way of life that we couldn't fuckin' stand and it was only a matter of time before they swallowed us up in their ideology and technological superiority? I don't either actually, but my grandpa used to tell me about those days and let me tell you, followers, it's starting to sound awfully fuckin' familiar.
Task Force 29Edit
You know, we haven't heard much about this Task Force 29 division lately. The one Interpol created in 2028 after that quote-unquote "horrifying breakdown of cooperation between the intelligence gathering organizations worldwide". Not like we were expecting to of course. I mean, it's not like they can come out and say "we've created a special intelligence force of natural born killers who can enter your country whenever it wants, bust into your house, and detain you for who knows how long if you happen to buy a packet of cigarettes from a local 7-Eleven guy". But if you read what I'm reading these days, and by that I mean UN Resolution 0451 which ratified the deal, you'd be appalled. Not only have these guys have no restrictions as far as international boundaries go, they're charged with both preventing attacks, and investigating them after they happen. That's right geniuses! TF29 gets to pick and choose which attacks to stop, and which they want to roll forward. Ooooh, I hear 'em saying as they rub their pudgy world dominating hands together: "I feel the need for a little mass destruction today to remind the plebs why they need to be policed" or "Ooh I need a little terror plot foiled to remind them that we're here to protect them, not control them". It's brilliant followers, fuckin' New World Order brilliant.
Růžička Station bombingEdit
Unbelievable. We got Picus on here in our secret location, which we are calling grandma's tearoom, and as usual, they are doing their due diligence to pin this most recent bombing in Prague on ARC. Now, I'm not saying Rucker and the Augmented Rights Coalition don't get their hands dirty once in a while, who can blame 'em. If you were the only legitimate hope to liberate a terrorized minority, you'd have to stick a pipe in a wheel once in a while to let people know you are not messing around when it comes to defending your own. But to say Rucker is behind mass destruction on this level is ridiculous. COME ON, the man's a fuckin' doctor. Is it possible that being locked up in Golem City all this time has caused him to go a little cuckoo? Lots of talk about how he's been hitting the bottle hard these last few months. We've all seen pics of what that isolationist hellhole looks like inside, but I personally don't believe he has such a hold on his followers that they would walk blindly into a situation where they'd be responsible for a mass murder on this scale. Uh-uh. NOT buying it, not buying it Picus, as usual. In fact Picus, the more you say it, the LESS I'm buying it. That's just a personal rule when it comes to me. And just for the record, my eyeballs are happy that Eliza Cassan is back as the host after that disappearance in '27 for a while. But my ear-holes still don't believe any word that slut-puppet has to say. And I'm digressing again.
Faked death and kidnappingEdit
As all you followers probably know, I've been a marked man for years. The reality of this being that I have to hide out in grandma's tearoom and hire two computer geeks full time to block off and descramble hacking codes while they're snacking on cheesy puffs all day. Love writing those paychecks I tell ya. But these are the golden days compared to two decades ago when I had to fake my own death or when Illuminagents stormed the van we were broadcasting out of, put Steve in a full nelson and locked us up for two weeks? I think Steve is still twitching from the waterboarding. Yes, I told them I would stop our broadcasts, and two years later, here we are again giving you the uncensored, unoppressable, undeniable truth. With Laz, what you see is what you get, and no threats from any bully, I don't care what level of Masonry he's achieved, is going to push me around. Isn't that right Steve? Steve? Awh damn it Steve, you're eating all the scones again.
How will our history be told when it's no longer being told by us? A civilization of migrants that ravaged an entire landscape, killed the people already on it and then swallowed itself up to the point where we began barricading ourselves in our walled cities because we're so afraid of each other. We wanted to advance our civilization so fast. It took us a few decades to advance into the same point that took Europe and Asia thousands of years to get to. Now, we don't even know what we're trying to achieve. Know what we're trying to achieve followers? NOTHING. There's no prosperity left! Our prosperity starting spinning out of control the minute we let loose upon the world a science we didn't understand.
I've been saying for years that the monitoring of Augs had to be done, but not in a way where we violated every sacred right this nation was founded on. We're just trying to save ourselves from our own greed followers, and our own inability to take preventative measures. Now, we're neck deep in Neuropozyne vats and oil like Dorothy trying to bring the fuckin' Tin Man back to life. And how do we plan to get out of this whole "Let me see your papers please"? Have we learned nothing? This is the oldest Illuminazi trick in the book!
You know, they've tried to take our guns away from us for so many years, and that's one of the good things about this whole Aug hysteria. It's a diversion. Leftist political groups that blamed guns for all the mass murders in the early 2000s can bug off now. We have real problems with inanimate objects. Inanimate objects that are now attached to animate ones. See, I think there are many reasons to regulate the augmentation industry, and the people who self-mutilate with their products, but I can't help wondering if the Second Amendment somehow extends to them. Don't they have the right to defend themselves against tyranny? Of course they do! As much as we do by protecting ourselves with the Second Amendment, to make sure no Feds can bust into our homes uninvited.
Who are we protecting ourselves against? It used to be the Commies, then it was the fundamentalists, then the gun-popping lunatics within our own suburbs. Now it's the Augs, the Augs that are being told to put away their weapons. Problem is, we still don't know what these weapons are capable of. It's all well and good to demand they carry papers, to keep them holed up in ghettos and such, but we still have no explanation for what happened that fateful day in '27. I don't know about you, but I don't feel much safer than I did back then, and I doubt if I will after the so called "Human Restoration Act", otherwise known as UN Resolution 3507 gets passed either. But here's the question I really want to pose to you followers: are we protecting ourselves from them, or are they protecting themselves from us? Gotta admit, I'm conflicted.
False flag situationsEdit
Let's get back to what we know about Prague, and what we always know when it comes to false flag situations like Gulf of Tonkin and the Reichstag, like 9/11 and the Aug Incident before this. There's more here than meets the eye. And by "eye" I mean the All Seeing Eye on the tippy-top of fucking Mordor. We know who's responsible for this: Sauron and his relentless band of Illumi-Nazgûl. But instead of the nine dudes in black on horseback, its a Council of Five in Aston Martins. They will never stop until we are all dropped into isolationist ghettos, just like Golem City, followers. This attack expedites legislation that in time will be expanded to include Naturals. It will guarantee legislation that will make the distribution and implantation of chips mandatory. Chips that will eventually be implanted in our natural asses too. I told you an attack like this was immanent and people called me paranoid. Well, what do you think now @conspiracy_chad99? Still think your boy Laz is paranoid? They got us man! They had us on the brink for generations and now they're gonna impale us on the spikes. That's why they call it the Aug Incident by the way. I just thought of this right now Steve. They slapped it with a tame word like "incident" because they wanted to make sure they had somewhere to go later. Less is more when it comes to naming global massacres, didn't you know? God, I think I'm gonna be sick.
Ahh, the chip. Used to be the ultimate dark secret of the New World Order that one day, every baby in the world would be implanted with a chip, and thus be under constant control by Big Brother. But millennium came and went and it seemed the only people getting implanted were chicks starring in housewife reality shows. So plebs everywhere exhaled into their lemony-limey sodas[notes 1] and started laughing at dudes like your homeboy Lazarus here because I was warning you not to close the book on it just yet. Then suddenly, out of nowhere, here's Tai Yong Medical producing a safe-again chip for Augs. This is supposed to make us safe again? TYM comes out with a floppy disk version of the Patriot Act, and in six months since it was presented to the world, eight countries have made it mandatory for all Augs. How long before it's mandatory in the US of A, I wonder? And how long after that before it's mandatory for every single anatomical sack walking this planet? Five years? Ten? And the pathetically hilarious thing about this chip is there's a credible size percentage of us that think the Aug Incident was actually caused by Illuminati HQ sending mind-altering signals to ones already implanted in Augs! It's brilliant, fucking brilliant! *laughs* Awh man, it's crazy how the longer we take part in this mad history of ours, the longer we wear this ugly Christmas sweater of oppression, the easier it is to pull wool over our eyes. Hmm, that was either the best or worst metaphor I've ever used in my life. What do you think Steve? Fuck off, you don't even know what a metaphor is. Eat your burrito.
Prague (second visit)Edit
Sarif Industries take-overEdit
Now that Sarif Industries has gone bankrupt and summarily taken over by Tai Yong Medical, we've really gone to loon territory. Not that we can control what these corps do, but we're currently just standing by and letting the most evil biotech company in the world become a monopoly that's in control of the most dangerous weapons on the planet. I warned you years ago about production equaling destruction, that the factory line t-mode-esque production levels of this uncontrolled technology would lead to worldwide destruction thanks to Sarif. I warned you that the lack of supervision over the drug pushers would lead to mass-hysteria and murder. Then, when the two of them collided on that fateful day two years ago, look what we ended up with. Exactly what I said, MURDER! Murder that we are STILL paying for both emotionally and practically today. Now the tech loonies and the Neuropadope dealers are basically one and the same. Add the world power that is organized crime, and a black market that is arguably bigger than a white one, and you have the makings of Armageddon. You worry about the Augs on the street that carry the little sticks, but you let these corporations who act as individuals rights holders wield the broadsword. How does this make any sense you fuckin' garden tools? WAKE UP!
Okay followers, who else thinks there are far too many questions that Nathaniel Brown and his cronies at Santeau are evading about the so-called Aug paradise in the Middle East. Like, how the hell are the drugs supposed to get there? Can he guarantee the safe passage of a sufficient supply of Neuropozyne doses for people being enslaved - sorry- housed over there? Safe Harbour Initiative my ass. This is just a disaster waiting to happen. I mean, it can't be worse than Golem City, but there's no way this ends up okay. Brown is gonna avoid all the tough questions just to ensure the Human Restoration Act gets passed while the crime syndicates lick their chops waiting to achieve complete mastery over the drug trade. With groups like the Jinn and the Dvali trafficking goods in that area, there's no guarantee these shipments won't get hijacked on the way to Rabi'ah. I mean, have you fuckers not seen Lawrence of Arabia? It's gonna be "NO PRISONERS, NO PRISONERS" all over again. And let's say we don't fight the crime families, so as not to disrupt the status quo. Can Santeau really guarantee there won't be crates of Neuropozyne roasting in the desert sun, getting spoiled and contaminated once again, thereby leading down the path to another Aug Incident? All I know is, you Natches out there better not be planning to take a tour of this place any time soon, or you're gonna get trapped in there, and Kurt Russell is old as fuck so there ain't gonna be no escape from Oman any time soon.
Now, I get this question a lot: "Are you part of the Collective?" I get that one a lot, eh Steve? Well I wanna put this one to bed; no, I'm not a member of the Collective, and no I don't know who this mysterious Janus person is, although I'd like to meet him or her. And you know what, let's say I was. Do you think I'd come and tell you shitknobs? I got enough problems as it is trying to constantly hide from the Orderlords. I'm stuck in our new underground location code-named "Grandma's tearoom" which I'm assuming Steve chose because it smells like one hundred year old linen and times of war. Truth is, I don't have what it takes to role with these guys because I have a nagging inability to keep my fat mouth shut. And you know what, they don't need me. These are smart people. They've broken into Belltower, Page Industries, and VersaLife, and they're only growing bigger nerves when it comes to their targets.
Make no mistake followers, one day these guys will uncover that'll mobilize our lazy asses to finally take real action. Maybe it'll be a secret about our sorry past, like what really caused the Aug Incident. Maybe it'll be evidence linking a major corporation to mass murder. But mark my words, one day these hacktivists will be a game-changer and we need to embrace them. I'm just hoping their moral character is strong enough that some of them don't go over to the dark side. Last thing I need is for some genius hacker to find out how to find us. Good news is, if they ever hit up Steve's computer, they'll have to find their way through about 400,000 folders of porn before they find any solid info on us.
Investigating Palisade BankEdit
If I could have one day in the Palisade Bank building, gimme one twenty four hour period to peruse through that place, and I would go straight to Illuminati row. Oh man, I'm just drooling thinking of all the uncircumstantial, undeniable, damningly unholy evidence proving what we've all known for years: that corps like Tai Yong Medical, VersaLife and the Santeau Group are World Order stooge companies, and this over-sized hard-drive of evil is a Swiss bank account of lies. In a time of chaos like the one that is upon us, information is more important than money, land, and weapons. Truth is our weapon, and the only thing that is more powerful than truth is the manpower that's prepared to finally wield it. If thousands of us demand access to that place, could they stop us? We'd have to be a united front demanding transparency or we'll all end up like that Simona Saridakis who died of an unfortunate case of asphyxiation in one of the server chambers. Accident my ass, this poor girl stumbled onto something, and was trying to get to the bottom of it, or the tip of it since the thing is built like a giant diving board. Problem is, Saridakis did it the wrong way. She jumped off that diving board and right into the shallow end. No one person is going to be able to take out those deadly security features, and take on world dominating corporate entities alone. But they can't stop us all! When shit really starts to go down, we will find the truth. Remember when I said you had to work for it? Well tear down the diving board, TEAR DOWN THE DIVING BOARD!
Explanation for the Aug IncidentEdit
Is it really acceptable that we still don't have an official explanation for what caused the Aug Incident? Bad drugs? Gimme a break. I don't know of any drug that made me wanna kill someone. I've wanted to eat six bags of cheesypuffs, I've had the uncontrollable urge to dance like a newborn deer, but kill someone? Come on. So if it wasn't drugs, what did cause all the Augs to start taking innocent lives? Will we ever learn the truth, Steve? Make no mistake followers, my man Steve here knows the truth is out there, but you have to work hard to get to it. Why? Because THEY are working hard. Everyday the Orderlords are working on new ways to oppress you. The industrial medical complex is working hard too, concocting new drugs to get you hooked on. Nathaniel Brown and the Santeau Group are working hard to complete his desert paradise and then sell it everyone who lives there everything they need to eat, drink and breath inside it. But you people, you're not working. You seem to work on only one thing: maintaining the status quo, going out of your way not to rock the boat, working hard and indulging in your sick, perverted desires by playing hours upon hours of virtual games. Must be real tough to constantly bury your head in the sand like a fucking emu all day and all night! How do you BREATHE under there?
Prague (final visit)Edit
Martial law in PragueEdit
I feel ill followers, and not just because I'm watching images of the deserted and eerily quiet streets of a new Prague police state right now. No, the reason I'm sick tonight, and I should be used to it by now, the reason I am sick is because of you. The general plebeian public. Are you people seriously shocked by these events? By the state of marshal law preemptively declared by Czech authorities as an excuse to illegally detain people? No warrants, no trials, no rights read - you can be sure of that. The only thing that shocks old Laz here about it is that it didn't happen five years earlier. What took them so long? Prague was a cyborg brothel for years. As soon as the Czech government started offering tax breaks to augmented laborers, the Illuminati drew a giant flaming red target right in the city square. Now you've got everyone panicking in the Warsaw ghetto - ahem - Útulek Complex, uh because their leader Talos Rucker was found dead under "mysterious circumstances". Mysterious circumstances my big fat hairy ass. This was all part of the plan when they first built that place and started shuffling people into it. They whipped out their Masonic protractors and started penciling in their designs to kill as many people as they can and blame it on the Augs! Come on people, WAKE UP!
Talos Rucker's deathEdit
I just thought of something Steve. Even though I can't seem to unglue my eyes from her, that Picus slut-puppet Eliza Cassan is never going to tell us how Rucker really died. She'll just give us the same recycled news story she did the last time. "Dude with augments suddenly just looses his shit and kills someone". Only in this version, Eliza says it's himself. Same way that the president of the Czech Republic, Žofie Růžička's bodyguard bugged out, and Princess Diana'd her car into the Vltava river. Only Eliza didn't tell us that one, because she was having some kind of hysterical breakdown of her own if I remember. Well guess what Eliza, me and Steve here, we ain't buying it. We know how easily the Illuminati can get to these suckers. It's like that Trek episode where some alien dude with a head shaped like a giant butt presses a neon plastic switch, and suddenly Bill Shatner has an acting seizure of mysneric proportions unfit for our vespian pedestrian eyes. The Illuminati are the assheads, and Kirk is fucking Rucker. Or maybe it's like that one where McCoy does an Irish gig, and Rucker is the robot saying "cannot compute, cannot compute". Suddenly, vapor is coming out of his antenna ears. Maybe, hoh, maybe what it really is, Rucker is Peter Finch in Network telling you suckers to get mad, GET MAD, and before he can get it all out, there he is dead on a stage for all of us to see. Sad shit is Talos Rucker ain't gonna get no posthumus Oscar.
I had a streamer actually tell me I'm paranoid just now. Now that's a gem. Call me crazy, call me stupid, say I look like a mix of Ronald Weasley and a giant hairy foot, and you'd be dead on right. But paranoid I am definitely not. All I gotta do is play back my greatest hits to show all the things I've predicted that have come into reality. I predicted the Aug-tastrophy. I predicted Tai Yong Medicals "make augmented people safe again" chips. Balls, I even predicted Hugh Darrow and his Panchaea ending up in the bottom of the Arctic ocean. Now you think I'm paranoid because I'm telling you there are more attacks coming. Haha, I've spoken to informants inside the intelligence community and let me tell you, they told me to my trusting, oversized, vaguely Weasley-esque face, that this Task Force 29 division the Orderlords pushed Interpol to create is just a smokescreen. They wanna make you think they actually give a flying fuck about the safety of your cities and towns, when it's accepted knowledge within the community that it's open season. You think all those Belltower Special Ops' that disappeared during the Aug Incident really got killed? They're out in the world somewhere, militarizing as we speak. I predict an attack is coming soon, one that will make the Incident a minor league hockey brawl. Paranoid? Pweh, the more things change the more they stay the same. Right Steve? Ahh, not paying attention, which pretty much proves my point.
Space exploration and colonizationEdit
The tragedy about this newest chapter of American Hysteria: The Motion Picture, is that we once again have neglected our ultimate bastion of hope for our doomed species. Space, the final frontier that we don't give a shit about crossing anymore. These are the voyages of the starship Procrastination. It's continuing mission, to tease you with the idea that space exploration is a federal priority, and then orchestrate a false flag operation to make you forget we ever actually landed on the moon. Do you kids out there know that? That once upon a time in a world where humans wore flowers in their hair, when gay marriage was illegal, and hallucinatory drugs were not used for global homicides, we actually had a couple of dudes land on the moon. And guess what kids, it's 2029 and we are still. not. on. Mars. Unbelievable. You know why we don't give a shit about colonizing other planets anymore? Because we're too busy recolonizing our own! The Útulek Complex in Prague, Rabi'ah in Oman, and worst of all, we're doing it in our own country. Yes! we're recolonizing our own frontier by building these isolationist city states. How can we concentrate on what's beyond our world, when we're obsessed with restructuring our own, and blocking ourselves out from the rest of the species? The new frontier is the old frontier. From Salt Lake City to Detroit to Seattle. From Frisco to LA to ATL, it's like a terrible rap song. All my isolationist peeps say hoo.
- ↑ This is a reference to the Deus Ex character Gunther Hermann, who claims soda machines have been tampered with to give him lemon-lime instead of orange.